Dan Dominguez has this blog. You have the ultimatum to read it or be thrown into the sea.
NEW QUIZ: Penis or Animal?
A.
B.
C.
ANSWERS: A. Penis B. Penis C. 2012 Toyota Prius
——————————-BONUS ARTICLE!—————————————
Womyn In History: A Dude’s Perspective
As Reported by: The Good Dudes of Si Beta Kappa- Cal State Long Beach (Whutup to all our Homiez at Bennigans! on Port St., Tuesday 9pm to 11pm is Titty Night!)
Chicks, Man. You gotta dig um’. For real. But did you know that chicks have been around for almost as long as dudes? Now I know what you’re thinking. Women can’t possibility have contributed much to history. Well, you’re right. But not for the reasons you might think. See women didn’t do anything for so long cuz us dudes kept um’ from doin’ it. I know dudes, I KNOW DUDES. But it’s true.
Accept it. For the first several thousand years of recorded history chicks pretty much just laid around and got punched. They probably wanted to do other stuff (it is speculated), but they couldn’t because every time one of them got up a DUDE would punch them back to the ground. Even worse they didn’t have tampons back in the day so when the chicks wanted to do stuff they couldn’t anyway because walking around shitting blood out of their front butts would have been mucho embarrasino. Imagine trying to be a King, but you’re a chick and it’s like a million years ago (or so), and you’re up on your castle giving your speech to the masses (or whomever) and all of the sudden you spray them with blood and gore from your hottest of pockets. Those masses will totally think you’re a witch, or you’re dying, and either way they’ll stone you to death because they didn’t know any better. People born before the 1920s were pretty fucking stupid, after all. They thought God lived in wheat fields and turned into a bull and hung out in fields and other dumb shit. Nowadays we know better. We know that God lives in the sky and can turn a few fish into a shitload of fish.
But we digress. Ladies did get to do some stuff before we gave them tampons and power. For instance Emily Dickinson wrote a bunch of crappy poetry about spiders and flowers and then died. And did you know a woman invented the printing press? LOL! Just kidding. A woman couldn’t lift all those gears. It would give her cervical cancer. In fact, did you know that pretty much anything a man can do, a woman can do too? It will just give her cervical cancer. Examples of this: lifting stuff, sports, decision making, being unsupervised, driving and talking on the phone at the same time.
But Emily Dickinson wasn’t the only woman who did stuff before the 20th century. There was also Jane Austen. Jane Austen and Emily Dickinson were the only women that did stuff before the 20th century. Jane Austen, as is our understanding, was the first female butcher, and got so depressed one day from not having tampons that she taped a bunch of meat to her chest and threw herself at a tiger.
And that’s the the story of chicks.
Until Hillary Clinton, who almost got to be President of the United States but was lookin’ kinda saggy so people got over that.