Dan Dominguez has this blog. You have the ultimatum to read it or be thrown into the sea.
Kate Winslet’s Breasts, Ass, and Legs, are going to Kill People.
People magazine reported recently that Kate Winslet’s breasts, ass, and legs have an expiration date:
But, as happens, all good things must come to an end. “I’ll be 34 in October. I can’t keep getting away with [nudity],” says Winslet. “There was so much of it in The Reader because the story required it, but people have seen enough of my bum and my boobs. I have to put them back.”
Harper’s also says Winslet’s legs may also face a similar expiration date – despite the good care that the star says she has always taken when it comes to herself.
But what the article fails to communicate is that it was being literal. Each of Kate Winslet’s breasts, her has and her legs had grafted to them an obsolescence machine, a device with a timer on it that is slowly counting down until not long from now Kate Winslet’s breasts, ass, and legs will actually self-destruct. At that point, they will release a deadly neuro-toxin, culled from the fangs of the most poisonous rat in the world, the cartomingus vascillius rodentus. The venom has made airborne and then grafted into fat pockets up and down Ms. Winslet’s leg by a mad scientist one day when Ms. Winslet fell asleep on the set of the popular boating docu-drama Titanic.
Since then Ms. Winslet has had to live with the knowledge that one day her breasts, ass, and legs would erupt, spreading an airborne cloud of death 30 miles in every direction, which she has said, “has helped her stay humble. I could look at the secret doom inside my sexual parts as a curse, but i choose to look at it as helping keep me grounded. Everytime I think to myself ’ I’m such a big star, I’m so great’ I just remember that my legs are a ticking time bomb and that one day they will release a deadly neurotoxin that will kill everyone within an estimated 30 miles of me. That’s very humbling.”
It’s only a matter of time.